Hidden Agenda

In her introduction Ms. Winston describes her conversation with Surie and Chanie. Two women who tell their tales of secrecy and pretense. What they failed to mention was that there are indeed many within the community that readily admit to doing and having what they deem to be socially unacceptable. And they do so without any fear of ‘retribution’. Many of us read a variety newspapers, magazines and best sellers, listen to radio, and have the internet. (although because of the temptation – most of us know to install some form of protection. Lest one finds the term ‘temptation’ amusing, I would like to point out that in spite of how alluring and universally rampant pornography may be, I doubt anyone would disagree with the statement that ‘porn cheapens sex.’ With intimacy between husband and wife being such a pivotal and sacred aspect of our family lives – we wish to take every measure to maintain its sanctity. The temptations go beyond explicit porn to chats, and the inevitable surfing that would lead to sites that could make one doubt one’s inherent belief. Not because one’s marriage or convictions are faulty, but because one’s fidelity and faith are delicate entities, and as such need not be put in positions of temptation. More on that some other time.)

In spite of many of us regularly utilizing these articles that are not particularly sanctioned by the community, few amongst us feel the need to ‘hide’ it. Being that within this enclave there are many diverse opinions, and some indeed share our own. To hide it would be to pretend to others that we aren’t who we truly are, thereby we are being unfair to our children, their perspective spouses, and ultimately to ourselves. Living a double life is not only difficult but ultimately detrimental.

Every society has people of different calibers. What increases their regard in the community is usually whatever that particular community admires. That being the case, those who wish to be seen as more respected members of society, and wish to have their children do ‘power matches’ - either live up to the expected ideals, or might hide behind a façade so that others don’t see their true colors. This (in particular) isn’t an issue of our society’s pressures to conform, rather it is that of some people’s individual desire to either maintain their ‘elite’ positions, or their attempts to alter the perceptions of themselves within the community by becoming one of the ‘holier’ ones.

Therefore, there are indeed those who do find the need to cover up window shades, and put their blockbuster or library bags, or even newspapers into nondescript black bags. These are usually those who’s family are of the aforementioned higher caliber and subsequently don’t want to upset / offend their family (more on this some other time), or they just don’t want others to know they have deviated for protocol because they wish to maintain the status they have inherited within the community (and the marriage proposals the said status ensures) – not because the community can’t accept their behavior.

The entire concept of shidduchim is a complicated one. Difficult to explain, while at the same time it isn’t an easy one to condone or condemn. I do plan to discuss it in detail at some later time, but as for how it applies to the topic at hand – I wanted to point out that when I mention marriage proposals, especially the ‘power matches’ I am simply referring to pedigree (and in some cases financial standing). The process is complex, and would certainly seem foreign, odd even, to an outsider.

We ask not that you agree, or even accept – we simply wish to imply that you can’t possibly understand – so we suggest that you therefore don’t judge.