A Satmar Ladies' Event

As a Satmar Williamsburg graduate, I attended the Satmar Bikkur Cholim party along with most of my classmates. It was on odd sensation - looking around the table and wondering how many of my friends also reside in two worlds. Cyberspace and Williamsburg. Two ends of the spectrum. I wondered how many of them might have chanced upon this blog. I also realized that I didn't really feel inclined to share with any of them anything regarding my online adventures. Not surprising - since very many of these women haven't ever heard of the term 'blog' or what blogging entails. And while some of these women do have a computer at home, many of them don't - and would probably consider it morally reprehensible. They might even be right. I didn't feel that it was necessary to say something that might offend.

Yet in spite of the fact that the majority of these women were 'missing out' on all the wonders of the World Wide Web, there was a lot laughter going around. I was once again surrounded by an intelligent group of girls who enjoyed discussing topics to death. We were surprised to realize that it was just yesterday that we looked the future in the eye, daring it to come and get us. Yet it came, it conquered, and we're better for it.

Throughout our conversations, I was looking for the disillusioned, unhappy faces that are said to be so dominant in our awfully ghettoed community. I wondered where those that have been disenchanted by our 'restrictive rules' were sitting. And then I realized that had they been upset with the 'system' they probably never would have shown up at this party. So apparently I was right all along. The rebellion that is so active online is practically non-existent within the community. There was an auditorium filled with over 2,000 beautiful, talented, intelligent women - who were living the lives they wanted to, and occupying themselves with what they wanted to do.

I have a classmate that has 5 sons. FIVE! She is 26 years old and she has 5 kids! I was about to get mad. Seriously mad. No woman should be subjected to that kind of life! When it suddenly dawned on me... She wanted it. Every woman at the table was discussing the pros and cons and above all the 'Why did she?'. Yes, every woman at the table was aware that they have a choice in the matter. But the woman in question - who is said to be one of the most relaxed mothers there is - actually commented that she would have no problem having five more sons. Foolish? maybe. Forced into anything? not at all. Many of my friends are relating that their husbands are the ones suggesting that they've done their duty (at least for the time being) in 'being fruitful' - but THEY are the ones who want another baby to hold... to cuddle. There are some who love motherhood - not because they were raised to admire it, but because it truly gives them satisfaction. Just like there are those who do not have the patience for it.

After worrying for so long that the public needs to be educated about the 'choices' available, I've come to realize that very many are content because they've already chosen exactly how they want to live their lives. If we truly care about these women's contentment - perhaps we just ought to leave them be.

Parental Pollution Prevention

I have noticed on some public forums that the intent of my blog has been misinterpreted. Some actually believe that this blog condones and on some level admires the ‘revolution’ occurring in our midst. Nothing could be further from the truth.

While I often bemoan the sad state of affairs in our community, I nonetheless opened this blog to defend those that dare attack it - even though their attack is mostly done with criticism that is very similar to my own. There are some who might call this hypocrisy. Yet I respectfully disagree, and I'll hereby tell you why.

When I talk about how bad things have become in Williamsburg and the surrounding area, I am mostly talking in terms of ‘authorities’ having lost sight of what truly matters. More than anything I want this enclave, this insular little community to survive. I want it for myself, and I want it for my kids. I want to have a place that I can call home and not fear the influences American culture will have on them.

We keep on being criticized for keeping our kids from experiencing this glorious American culture. But what if we as parents don’t find that lifestyle so glorious? Isn’t it our right as parents, scratch that – it is not our ‘right’ but rather our ‘duty’ as parent, to ensure that our children have the best life possible? That they are not exposed to anything that might be deemed harmful to their ‘health’? Surely no one would criticize us if we were to put up walls around our little enclave to limit the ‘smog’ from entering these young underdeveloped lungs, yet we receive endless condemnation for depriving our kids from what we deem ‘spiritual smog’.

Before you assume that I am hereby condemning all forms of cultural enlightenment as spiritual smog, I want to clearly spell out that I am a big proponent of offering advanced education as well as honesty in childrearing. I just don’t believe that one needs to overexpose to the unnecessary in order to ensure a healthy well-rounded upbringing.

With that said, there are many issues that I believe that we as a community can – and should – change. Most of these issues have little to do with Chasidus, and even less to do with Yiddishkeit – and as such should never be mistaken for a part of our religion.

Therefore, rejection of the SatWillSidic way of life need not be a rejection of Yiddishkeit as a whole.

The issues that come to mind are those that involve shidduchim, education, entertainment, etc. Issues that are mostly dependant upon parents. Parents can ensure that their children have all they need for an exciting, funfilled and KOSHER youth. We need to once again have the Yiddish life be one that is filled with light, life, and love. If we learn to give our kids happy lives within the frameworks of what is permissable we are ensuring that less will venture 'out there' in search for something that might be more 'exciting'.

And the aftershocks are still ongoing.
http://www.nypost.com/entertainment/31675.htm

As for those of you who wanted the link to the interview with Hella Winston & Zev Brenner:
http://s55.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1XGKZC7HTLGE80FWQH19N3QSS3

Talkline with Zev Brenner

There was a major difference between the book reading at Brooklyn Public Library and interview on Zev Brenner's show last night.

At the book reading Hella was being peppered with questions by people who were seriously fascinated by Chasidim, and sort of took great pleasure in finding that there was a negative side to focus on. On Zev Brenner on the other hand, most callers called to voice outrage at Hella's or "Esty's" perspective.

A couple of points that stood out:

There was this guy from Staten Island who found it upsetting that Hella portrayed her rebels as heroes - which Hella denied. While her subjects were portrayed pretty realistically, faults and all – they after all were still the ‘heroes of the story’. And additionally, throughout the book we find Hella silently cheering them on and applauding their 'achievements'. So in that sense they are indeed idolized. I don't believe that this was in any way an encouragement for others to leave - it was simply disturbing since it glorified those that engaged in the precise behavior we hope and pray that our kids won't attempt.

Another very relevant point was made by a David from Brooklyn, as well as some others. Hella portrayed the 'rebels' as highly intellectual people who entertained serious doubts. Yet while the author no doubt selected to interview those that she felt can give a more honest and well-rounded view of the situation, she actually - consciously or subconsciously - chose those that will portray the 'enlightened and intellectually seeking' persona. Her characters though fail to deliver because, as it came out, they all have issues that are far deeper than any the community could have caused or prevented.

Insanity and immorality hits all walks of life. In all degrees from mild (OCD, and other psychological issues) to severe (Infidelity). From Yossi to P. None of these are guys were pushed away by the community's constraints. Perhaps there are others out there that Hella could have interviewed - and their issues might have been solely friction and the inability to live within community standards. Such people might exist. But the fact remains that those the Hella ultimately depicted were people with issues far deeper than what we were led to believe.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

There was a comment on the last post about morals being universal, and not being dependant upon social mores. That statement would have been correct if 'universally' we all held ourselves accountable to a higher authority. In that case, it wouldn’t be up to how man ‘felt’ about a particular situation – there would have been instructions to dictate the appropriate course of action.

Once it is up to man to decide what is moral and what is not, then morality is what the current generation deems it to be. It is always easy to look back in judgment and declare what wasn’t moral in the past. Being that we live in a different era and we value different things, it is easy for us to view things differently. It would nonetheless be foolish and highly presumptuous of us to cast aspersions on the past.

All we can do is look at the here and now, and see so obviously how far we’ve fallen.

Today’s society, that some so want to defend as a wonderfully colorful world – while indeed exciting, it has lost sight of the basic fundamentals of life.

It is difficult to reason with modern man’s thinking – and his ability to rationalize behavior. But while the rationalization works, the life it dictates doesn’t. We’ve taken Descartes’ "Cogito ergo sum” and turned it into the new gospel. It has become the daily mantra of so many who want to believe that they are the creators of original thought. Yet all the while they are bound to believing that they can’t rely on reason they don’t understand – not taking into account that just maybe certain concepts go beyond reason. Regardless of how well one can justify the wrong - it doesn’t become right.

So while we all are certain to understand and know why we do what we do, we fail to take note of the side effects that are disastrous!

At one point the term ‘premarital sex’ encompassed a behavior deemed ‘immoral’ yet it slowly became more prevalent and acceptable. Under the guise of that name, adults that were dating and knew that it would eventually lead to marriage decided that they could wait no longer and consummated the relationship a short time prior to the actual joiner, the wedding. It went from those relationships that would lead to marriage, to those that possibly could lead… Once that idea became the norm, and sex was no longer relegated to the marriage institution, premarital sex turned into something that can only be called ‘casual sex’ or ‘recreational sex’. It no longer was even reserved for an exclusive relationship. As a matter of fact, an interactive relationship wasn’t necessarily required prior to, or even after. Sadder than anything is the fact that today’s youth do not see what is so wrong with this change in direction.

The fact remains though, that young adults remain unmarried for a lot longer, if not indefinitely. Single women raise children on their own. And traditional family life, once the cornerstone of a society, is deemed old-fashioned and a thing of the past.

Take this other example: Of course it makes sense that if people are unhappy in marriage they are entitled to divorce. Without going into detail of what constitutes an ‘unhappy’ marriage – let us just look around at the prevalence of single parent families. There is no doubt that many of the divorces were legitimately called for, just as there is no doubt that too many were hastily made decisions. As soo many statistics have proven, children raised in a one-parent home suffer through grade school and ultimately suffer in adult life in general – and in their future relationships in particular. No amount of reasoning for the parents decisions will change the basic fact that today’s youth has more children raised in a single home environment, thus ensuring that the future generation will be one of emotionally thwarted adults attempting to form relationships to resemble that elusive traditional family life – which they know not how to emulate.

This is not based on, as Hella Winston described it, our erroneous assumptions that the secular world is engaged in sex 24/7. And while it is so simple to justify the ‘freedom’ of people doing as they pleased – we need to remember that even when reason can defend, it does little to make our reflection look better in the proverbial mirror.

There are so many other directions to go with this topic - to point out the prevalent immorality. Although I might do that at a later date – I believe I’ve made my point.

Like It or Leave It

I am continuously being called by friends and family to ‘fess up and finally admit that this community is controlling our lives. But I won’t. (Me? Give up? Never! Me stubborn?? Not at all…:) While it is true that there are some who have very strong opinions and tend to be vocal about it, I don’t for a moment agree that they intimidate the rest of us. That might be their intentions, and there might indeed be those that are intimidated. But that is not the general rule.

Those that read whatever they want to read, or wear what they wanna wear etc. truly have no need to fear being reprimanded or dismissed(?!?) from this community. If anyone has heard of a story of someone being told to move out of Williamsburg, be so kind and let us know.

The one’s that do leave are the ones who don’t want the Chasidic kind of life for themselves at all! Whether their family welcomes them back into their homes varies on an individual basis, and it wouldn’t be fair to generalize.

What I am trying to say, is what I have said so many times before. Contentment is up to us. We have the options of living our lives comfortably and the opportunity to raise our children as we see fit - to be happy, healthy, intelligent and moral adults. If for whatever reason you behave in a way that is offensive to the ‘frummer’ part of the community – which is most certainly the more dominant part, don’t expect them to embrace or admire what you have done. You can ask not to be condemned – but you can’t expect to be condoned. You can even ask to accepted, but you can’t expect to be understood.

The majority of those that live in Williamsburg chose to live here because it is a tight-knit community that shares their ideals. In light of that, it would be immensely foolish as well as childish for someone to complain that the community still insists on admiring and preferring that which it always did.

Read something into it.

Why is it that all those claiming to be intellectually thwarted keep going back to the community’s frowning upon TV and movies? Is that even where intelligence comes from? To the best of my knowledge it has been scientifically proven that children (and mice) learn very little from watching intellectual activities, as compared to those that get hands on involvement.

Sitting in from of a screen has a greater potential of turning one into a couch potato than an intellectual. True knowledge is in the books – as it has been for ages. So why are so many complaining about society’s low regard for TV and movies? Being cultured and well educated has little or nothing to do with TV or general movies. A bit of reading takes you a lot further.

Child Protective Services

I wanted to comment on something in chapter 2, Wigged Out.
Now while there are many issues that I am still going to address from the previous chapter, I felt that the following topic should finally be set straight.

The secular society is bemoaning the fact that preteens are being sexualized at too a young age, and subsequently are missing out on their youth, due to the promiscuity of most TV shows and even youth oriented music and fashion. Yet at the same time our attempts to shield our young from precisely that fate is being frowned upon as narrow-minded and fanatic.

Ms. Winston thought it odd that Dini’s father would read newspapers and magazines that he felt his children weren’t ready for. Yet dear Ms. Winston – the thinking goes a bit differently than what you suggested. It is not an issue of internalizing the Hasidic way of life per se, but of not exposing children to that which they aren’t yet fit to see. Think movie ratings. We feel that kids as old as 17 should stick to hearing and reading news with a PG rating. Once 18, a PG13 might not hurt. As far as R or NC17 – probably won’t be necessary ever, yet if they feel like it as adults, that is their prerogative. Even in the secular society they have altered ratings tremendously from what they had been a mere twenty years ago. New York and Hollywood are becoming more liberal by the day, and not that the world is eager to embrace it – but they are left with little choice. Living so close to the greatest City in the world, we are left with less. Why blame us for protecting our children from that which they don’t need to see? Is the censorship sometimes overdone? Absolutely. But in all honesty do you believe that 8 year olds should be discussing sex? Should 13 year olds be plagued by an oral STD which might follow them for the rest of their lives? Are we desperate for teen pregnancies? Withdrawing from what many will agree is an oversexed world is not hypocrisy – it is called Smart Parenting.

While I wasn’t raised immune to the outside world, and my parents did have more open discussions with us regarding a variety of topics, I still don’t believe that our children should be watching TV. What do you want your teenager to watch? Will and Grace? Desperate Housewives? Sex and the City?? Or regarding newspapers and magazines: is it truly important that your preteen know about serial rapists? Or even what rape means?

Innocence is precious, and childhood so short. Why rush it?

I believe that children should know that the newspapers and magazines and movies and everything else exist, especially if they exist in your home. It would even be wise to give them clippings from the papers that you happen to read, or let them watch the occasional news broadcast – (if it’s boring enough it might disinterest them for a while. lol. ) That is the way I was raised, and the way I plan to raise my kids. There are no guarantees in this world, and I am not telling you that this is a fool proof plan. But we all gotta do what we gotta do, what we truly believe to be the right thing – and leave the rest up to our loving God.

He’ll help us – He always does.

Btw: Please don’t misinterpret my words. I did not suggest bringing a TV (or the internet) into your home, or placing a screen into the kids' rooms. That would be tantamount to giving your child a street version introduction to sex. What I am proposing is discussing with your child as openly and as honestly – as much as you think is age appropriate. Honesty will take you further than any pretense can ever protect.

Hidden Agenda

In her introduction Ms. Winston describes her conversation with Surie and Chanie. Two women who tell their tales of secrecy and pretense. What they failed to mention was that there are indeed many within the community that readily admit to doing and having what they deem to be socially unacceptable. And they do so without any fear of ‘retribution’. Many of us read a variety newspapers, magazines and best sellers, listen to radio, and have the internet. (although because of the temptation – most of us know to install some form of protection. Lest one finds the term ‘temptation’ amusing, I would like to point out that in spite of how alluring and universally rampant pornography may be, I doubt anyone would disagree with the statement that ‘porn cheapens sex.’ With intimacy between husband and wife being such a pivotal and sacred aspect of our family lives – we wish to take every measure to maintain its sanctity. The temptations go beyond explicit porn to chats, and the inevitable surfing that would lead to sites that could make one doubt one’s inherent belief. Not because one’s marriage or convictions are faulty, but because one’s fidelity and faith are delicate entities, and as such need not be put in positions of temptation. More on that some other time.)

In spite of many of us regularly utilizing these articles that are not particularly sanctioned by the community, few amongst us feel the need to ‘hide’ it. Being that within this enclave there are many diverse opinions, and some indeed share our own. To hide it would be to pretend to others that we aren’t who we truly are, thereby we are being unfair to our children, their perspective spouses, and ultimately to ourselves. Living a double life is not only difficult but ultimately detrimental.

Every society has people of different calibers. What increases their regard in the community is usually whatever that particular community admires. That being the case, those who wish to be seen as more respected members of society, and wish to have their children do ‘power matches’ - either live up to the expected ideals, or might hide behind a façade so that others don’t see their true colors. This (in particular) isn’t an issue of our society’s pressures to conform, rather it is that of some people’s individual desire to either maintain their ‘elite’ positions, or their attempts to alter the perceptions of themselves within the community by becoming one of the ‘holier’ ones.

Therefore, there are indeed those who do find the need to cover up window shades, and put their blockbuster or library bags, or even newspapers into nondescript black bags. These are usually those who’s family are of the aforementioned higher caliber and subsequently don’t want to upset / offend their family (more on this some other time), or they just don’t want others to know they have deviated for protocol because they wish to maintain the status they have inherited within the community (and the marriage proposals the said status ensures) – not because the community can’t accept their behavior.

The entire concept of shidduchim is a complicated one. Difficult to explain, while at the same time it isn’t an easy one to condone or condemn. I do plan to discuss it in detail at some later time, but as for how it applies to the topic at hand – I wanted to point out that when I mention marriage proposals, especially the ‘power matches’ I am simply referring to pedigree (and in some cases financial standing). The process is complex, and would certainly seem foreign, odd even, to an outsider.

We ask not that you agree, or even accept – we simply wish to imply that you can’t possibly understand – so we suggest that you therefore don’t judge.

I guess they do get involved...

Surprising news!!!
I received a call from a Hisachdus recording now!! I found the timing highly ironic, so instead of hanging up on the call like I usually would – I stayed on to listen.

They are encouraging us to vote for Mike Bloomberg. lol.

Let us pretend to be outraged for their audacity to get so far involved in our lives as to endorse a candidate they feel will serve the community better.

Unchosen - and her lack of choice in perspective

In her introduction Hella Winston attempts to soften the blow with which her future chapters might hit the Hasidic reader, with her long narrative in which she purports to admire the lifestyle and those that are content to live within its guidelines. And she claims rather explicitly that from what she had seen many are indeed content, but that she simply felt that the story of those breaking away needed a voice. What she didn’t tell us but we could clearly hear was her disdain for religious belief in general, and our observances in particular. Each time she mentions prohibitions, traditions or simple-minded faith, her stifled giggles are deafening.

And who could blame her?

As a person raised on very different ideals, what she saw in our community does indeed seem like extreme fanaticism. According to her logic then, anyone of a higher intellect would come to their senses and see the insanity behind religion as a whole, and this oppressed tradition in particular. Thus attempting this desperate measure to break away.

Throughout her book, each example she brought was, by her own admission, a compilation of characters she met. Yet invariably she attempted to paint them all as Hasidim with a thirst for knowledge which could not be quenched within the community.

While the truth remains that a great percentage of those who broke away did so due to either physical / emotional / sexual abuse or because of their homosexuality. Not that I am condemning or condoning their form of expressing their discontent with the way the community handled / handles their troubles, I am only pointing out that the aforementioned aren’t necessarily looking for an alternate lifestyle due to their intellectual pursuits being thwarted, or because they are truly being oppressed by the community as a whole.

It is even true there are indeed seekers amongst them – but these aren’t necessarily seekers of truth, more like seekers of adventure. Which in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. Even though no amount of adventure or entertainment our community would offer (not that it does – but even if it did) could satiate these particular seekers. Because this thirst for adventure is not one that any particular lifestyle can quench as it inevitably is precisely about exploring many different ways of life. The part that is bad and truly sad, is that our community has not yet learnt how to cope with those that have chosen to behave in a manner that does not coincide with what they believe to be right.

I do want to point out that there are indeed those who are highly intelligent and questioning. Yet while they will readily admit that they could probably find the answers in the books they have studied and learnt so well, they don’t want to. They want out. The reason has little to do with the lack of answers in the Scriptures, and a lot more to do with their discontent with their personal lives. Be it their family: parents, siblings, spouses, and even difficult children or whether the stress is financial. Disgruntlement leads to restlessness, and ultimately resentment.

Every community has its faults. And ours is far from an exception. But her description of the oppression and abuse was faulty (while unfortunately not entirely wrong), and her bias tainted her perception of real life in this community.

I could go on and on… And I probably will.

Good Will Hunting

I recently read “Unchosen” by Hella Winston, and while indeed well written, I felt that her take was distorted by personal bias and by the disgruntled voices of those she ultimately heeded. Suddenly, I needed to vent.

I am not usually a fan of blogging. While I love the concept of freedom of expression, I am usually of the opinion that one’s dirty laundry shouldn’t be aired. Not because it’s technically wrong – but just because it is inherently improper.

Recently there was an influx of heimish bloggers. Most of who admittedly or subconsciously attempt to portray the SatWillSidic life as one of oppression and a medieval backwardness, and who assume that for one not to find discontent it must be due to one’s lack of intellect. In light of the above – I felt an open and intelligent albeit female take on the issue, was called for.

As a Satmar Williamsburg woman with insatiable quest for knowledge and an IQ of 145, I have never felt stifled or oppressed by our practices, not by our particular brand of observances, my religion in general, or my family’s convictions in particular. My husband too, an observant man himself, while schooled locally has managed to educate himself in English, math and all aspects of IT. And he subsequently B’H succeeded in business. To quote Matt Damon in ‘Good Will Hunting’ you don’t have to drop a hundred fifty grand on an “education you coulda' got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library.”

I believe that ultimately we all have a say in our destiny. Hashem gave us that option. While I will never deny that there are faults within our community (and which community is free of fault??) I am strongly of the opinion that we each have the choice to live a life of fulfillment, contentment and one saturated with love.

I plan to discuss more of Hella Winston’s work (‘Unchosen’) as well as blog about my own take on the shortcomings, virtuous deeds as well as general talk about life ‘on the inside’. Because I believe that it is necessary for someone to finally point out that while it is indeed true that there are those in the community with a more limited ability to relate to people (be it their kids, their spouses or those who don’t share their convictions), the extreme cases are B’H the exception rather than the rule. For the most part we are a community of well meaning, yet ultimately human beings. With faults like everyone else.

We are a sensation only because of who we are, what we stand for - and the fact that we sometimes forget that.