Sunday, November 05, 2006

Realizations and Romance

I’ve recently had this realization. Nothing earth-shattering – realizations seldom are. It’s more of recognizing a dormant yet vital truth, and suddenly appreciating its relevancy. When these insights suddenly come into focus, like a distant twinkle of light growing steadier, I like to coax it into being. I find that giving it my full attention gives me the opportunity to discover its full brilliance. My approach has always been putting pen to paper. Usually the activity of writing gives me the opportunity to further appreciate my subject matter, and to identify more closely with how I feel about it.

That is probably where diaries came from. Not just for cataloging one’s days, but for the chance to further analyze occurrences, then better describe reactions, and perhaps to even grow from the realizations. It’s quite likely that blogging is just diary entries gone public. Perhaps the loneliness of writing to paper just seemed too pathetic. Or just a waste of time. Perhaps the idea that strangers who might understand, if not relate, would read the rambling thoughts, and one can feel less alone.

Yet my blog has never been a diary. It has always been my opinions or general thoughts. That which I would share – loudly – with anyone who would care to listen. I have no intentions of turning my blog into a diary. Mostly, because I don’t do diaries. I believe my thoughts to be safe enough, cool enough, and yes – smart enough, to not need to hide it. But the following entry does take a turn into the personal. You might think too personal, but in a major way it does relate to my life as a woman, in this community. And that *is* what this blog is about. Isn’t it?

Anyway, so on with the post: (Get ready for the tone change)

I’ve always wondered at the magic of falling in love. Imagined what it would be like to meet that handsome, usually brilliant, always charming guy who with just a look will send my heart aflutter. I imagined the heated debates, the witty banter, the innuendo filled teasing.

I often dreamt of Prince Charming, and I don’t believe that these thoughts were of the forbidden variety. From Snow White to Cinderella, on some level we were always permitted to dream. It was just that the reality that we ultimately had to face wasn’t nearly as romantic.

Like any girl, I’ve dreamt of romance in the typical and most unlikely scenarios. Starry nights, candle light, music, flowers… and all that would follow. All of which, while potentially incredible under most circumstances, immediately lose a great portion of its magic when the mystery is gone. When the partner is a given. When the ‘where is this going?’ has already been answered.

I’ve often wondered about how different life would have been if I would have been given the opportunity to search for my ‘soul-mate’ on my own. The debate over the benefits of casual dating and the fun that that would afford, is irrelevant. While I don’t doubt the experience were to be fun – I can clearly see the potential for danger. No, I am just talking about being courted, romanced by a potential suitor. A guy who is interested, and does his best to be of interest. I am talking about feeling my heartbeat quicken at the mention of his name. I am talking about wishing he would look my way. I am talking about falling in love.

While a big proponent of arranged marriages, and an expert on the statistics of the success of this lifestyle – I still often regret that missed opportunity. With an arranged marriage I was given this great, handsome and intelligent guy – with the responsibility to love. Hey, love is a verb. I’ve said that all my life. We choose whom we want to love – and I most certainly love my darling husband. I love him to death. I might even say that I often am ‘in’ love with him. But I was having a problem. I wondered. I wondered whether under different circumstances this was the guy that I would have fallen for.

Now I know that Hollywood’s version of romance isn’t all that accurate. After the main characters have finally beaten all odds and fallen in love, in real life – real life would hit them. I know that what most teenagers assume to be their true ‘soulmates’ ultimately are just a passing boat in sea of bigger and better ships. Yes, I know that many that ‘fall in love’ and then get married – find that the bliss they were certain was theirs permanently, has gone from whence it came. And yet the questions remained.

Part of a poem I once wrote:
Yet these doubts can't be dismissed
'What if true soulmates exist?'
This nagging thought just will persist
To bug and irk and still insist:
‘If it weren't mine, why is it missed?'


And the realization was benign. Not huge at all. Yet it rocked my world at its core. If true soulmates do exist – if there is a man out there whom the cosmos have aligned as my perfect mate – the man that can challenge me, and understand me, and accept me, and more than anything make me get to know myself better and grow as a person… If there is a man out there whom I was meant to love, and who’s love I can count on to last a lifetime – in good times and bad, in sickness and in health - - if Hashem in His infinite wisdom did indeed assign someone like that for me, then the obviousness is blinding. My besherte. The man who’s name was announced in the heavens forty days prior to my birth. The man whom I was to fall in love with. The man whom I married.

Obviously we skipped the ‘dating’ part. I skipped being courted, he skipped having that selection. I skipped the flirting, he skipped the seducing. We skipped the conversations where we would have realized that this was indeed the person we wanted as our life’s partners. We skipped the talk where we discussed our dreams for our futures – and then checked to see how they relate to each others. We skipped the part where he asked me to be his wife.

But we can still have our many creative ‘dates’. We still can have our picnics, our moonlit walks along the flowing country river, and the stroll alongside the Manhattan skyline. And we can have all that for the low low price – of no heartache or drama. Some would consider that a good thing.

So while we can’t have the ‘before’ – we were certainly given the ultimate gift of the ‘happily ever after’. Always and forever. With all my love.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
This post has been censored, heavily, by friends and family - and the love of my life. I’d have to say that I feel that it has lost most of its initial charm, but 'its essence remained intact'. Or so they tell me. Oh well...

47 Comments:

At November 06, 2006 8:08 AM, Blogger abbcddd said...

No, your post has not lost any of its charm. It is a rather beautiful tribute to your marriage. Many (if not most) who go down the 'falling in love' route would be lucky to have a marriage such as you describe. What is obvious, however, is that whatever way you look at it, you still yearn to have had the experience of falling in love. It is a unique and heady experience and it is wonderful if one has ever experienced that magic.

The downside is that many people have been blinded by that intense infatuation into marrying the wrong person. You are correct in saying that the intense 'in love' period always passes and what is left in its place is often intensely disappointing. Some people are just in love with being in love and drift from one relationship to another, not being able to cope when the the first flush of love fizzes away. So whilst you may sometimes yearn to 'fall in love' you are wise to fully appreciate what you already have. It doesn't come much better than that.

 
At November 07, 2006 12:46 AM, Blogger Shtreimel said...

TC,
So good to see you back. You give hope for all those looking for sanity in the frum part of the blogsphere.

Except…you’re still frum and sometimes say well, frum stuff. But before I ask you why Hashem In His Infinite Wisdom Couldn’t Figure Out A Way How To Satisfy The Flutters Without Destroying The Souls Of Our Youth, and before you answer that God works in mysterious ways. Before I ask you why not so long ago, shiduchim wasn’t part of Judaism at all, and before you answer that the Doros are lower then it once was, let me ask you what your definition of “success of this lifestyle” is and then we’ll talk about your expertise.

Deal?

 
At November 07, 2006 2:12 PM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

I can’t believe an intelligent post like yours can define ‘soulmates’ in the childish, cinderalle context. It’s much like the myth of ‘love at first sight’;just a desperate attempt to satisfy the nagging questions deep down of “is there a better mate out there for me?”. Is this the ‘one’?
Love and soulmates are both existant yet acquired. Your husband becomes your soulmate when you start to understand each other to a new, and exclusive extend. Your husband becomes your soulmate when you’ve both worked hard enough to see the good side in each other, that quirks have become invisible. Your husband becomes your soulmate when you understand that no man can satisfy every part of you, but this man satisfies enough in you to live the rest of your life with him.

No bird told your parents how to find your soulmate that’s been announced just for you 40 days before your birth. Rather, you took the man you were given and made him your soulmate.

You said it, love is a verb. Soulmate is a result of that verb.

On another note: Your description of realizations is very well put.

 
At November 07, 2006 2:12 PM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

I can’t believe an intelligent post like yours can define ‘soulmates’ in the childish, cinderalle context. It’s much like the myth of ‘love at first sight’;just a desperate attempt to satisfy the nagging questions deep down of “is there a better mate out there for me?”. Is this the ‘one’?
Love and soulmates are both existant yet acquired. Your husband becomes your soulmate when you start to understand each other to a new, and exclusive extend. Your husband becomes your soulmate when you’ve both worked hard enough to see the good side in each other, that quirks have become invisible. Your husband becomes your soulmate when you understand that no man can satisfy every part of you, but this man satisfies enough in you to live the rest of your life with him.

No bird told your parents how to find your soulmate that’s been announced just for you 40 days before your birth. Rather, you took the man you were given and made him your soulmate.

You said it, love is a verb. Soulmate is a result of that verb.

On another note: Your description of realizations is very well put.

 
At November 07, 2006 2:47 PM, Blogger Totally Content said...

Shtreimel -

Being that you so kindly let me off the hook from those questions that would most certainly require super-lengthy explanations; I will graciously answer the little one you left open.

-- let me ask you what your definition of “success of this lifestyle” is --

The success of this lifestyle is the complete families and subsequently, for the most part, the well adjusted kids.

Regardless of whether you believe in the lifestyle, the mentality or (especially) the ideology, sociological and psychological studies agree that children from intact families tend to have a stronger sense of self and are generally emotionally more stable.

Now I know that this in no way responds to your theological dilemma, nor does it deal with the evolution of Chassidus - but it should satisfy your direct question. I think.

Be well.

 
At November 07, 2006 3:39 PM, Blogger Totally Content said...

Shpitzel, welcome aboard. Nice to have you with us, but I have to say that I am surprised that someone as intelligent as you didn’t realize that the longing discussed wasn’t for said ‘soulmate’ but rather – for the experience.

Falling in love is a magical journey. And while I believe love is all about loving, there is something to be said for romantic seduction. Every little girl’s dream about Prince Charming isn’t for the search of a soul mate – it’s about being swept off her feet, and kept dancing still…

In life we sometimes meet people whom we seem to be totally in synch with. And while one can’t help but wonder - - it’s worthwhile to recognize that if there is any legitimacy to the term ‘soulmate’, then destiny has already taken care of that. It might surprise you to learn that some intelligent people still believe in destiny. In what’s ‘bashert’.

Though I highly doubt that it is a ‘bird’ that does the arranging. But come to think of it – Cupid’s got wings!

p.s. I appreciate that you consider the thought of romance ‘juvenile’, and if that is indeed the case – then I wish to hold on to that childish notion every amazing night of my life.

 
At November 07, 2006 4:05 PM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

First – being swept off your feet is not exactly what romance is about. I hope not. If it is, you’ve got none of the above in your life.

Second, I want to answer on your comment to Shtreimel. You refer to the ‘structural family’. Although I agree with the point, you do not realize that a structural family does not include a bochur’l and a meidele matched up at random. The structural family that experts refer to is that of two mature, loving adults making the decision to share a life together and raise children in a secure, honest environment. Although from the outside it may seem that our society has the structural home, the love is very often lacking – and from day one that is. You and I might not be victim of that, maybe due to destiny, maybe due to luck or maybe due to a little two cents in the marriage, but many of our neighbors are.

And there’s your answer. I believe the ‘experience’ is often needed in order for us to achieve structural family. Our structural families are often simply a box in which we put our lives. It lacks the values that your experts refer to. The love, the romance, and yes, the magic.

I agree that relationships that start off intense don’t necessarily last long and vice versa. And like yourself, I believe that the latter is more important for ‘success in life’. But we don’t have to live with just one. God intended for us to enjoy both.

I really think its time for a new system. One where at least the chasson and kallah enjoy ‘being swept off their feet’ with little outtings. That’ll possibly achieve the ‘structural family’

 
At November 07, 2006 4:25 PM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Just a note, my last paragraph was just a suggestion for improvement, and I do not imply that therein you’ll find the ideal solution.

 
At November 07, 2006 4:25 PM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At November 07, 2006 6:21 PM, Blogger Shtreimel said...

No TC, I wasn’t discussing anything theological. I’m just trying to get a handle on your hypothesis that in some way there is “success [in] this lifestyle” of having your marriage arranged, many times at the convenience of the parents, more than of the kids—kids who are only eighteen for Christ’s sake.

If I understood you correctly, your definition of success is that the divorce rate is minimal, and therefore kids grow up “well adjusted”.

Of course, this has nothing to do with how we get married but with how we get divorced, or rather how we don’t get divorced. There are many an plenty reasons for why people stick around as a family even when it’s not fully functional, or in the very least, not totally content for one or more parties to this holy matrimony. However, this is not the issue now. My question was and is, what are successes of “arranged marriages”? only once we clear that tiny little obstacle can we continue validating your expertise on the matter—something I would love to do too.

 
At November 07, 2006 6:44 PM, Blogger Totally Content said...

Granted, there are many unhappy arranged marriages. At the same time, statistically half of the secular marriages end in divorce. Are 50% of arranged marriages unhappy? I don’t think so. Even more – or all those secular marriages that DO last, happy ones? I highly doubt that. So ultimately, there is no sure way of knowing which form of matchmaking is more successful in the long run.

I guess the only way to judge would be to look at the long-term family results. Oh wait - I already did that.

 
At November 07, 2006 6:48 PM, Blogger Totally Content said...

Shtreimel -

My referencing the 'theological' was in regard to your disconcertion regarding my belief in Infinite wisdom. I am not about to logically support my beliefs.

Beliefs as a rule are permitted to be illogical.

 
At November 07, 2006 6:56 PM, Blogger Totally Content said...

Shpitz –

I find your naiveté refreshing. It’s sweet the way you assume that ‘structural families’ are all so wonderfully in love. Oh, and with the secure and honest home environments. Hee.

Children will thrive in any environment where both parents are together – unless there is actual abuse present. Oh, certainly fighting is unhealthy for children to hear, but kids still benefit far more from a home with both a mother and father, regardless of how they met.

 
At November 07, 2006 7:11 PM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

I cannot believe you me ears/eyes.
Are you suggesting that a single, loving parent would do less for her children than two people that have children because it's the arranged way of life.
Do you really believe that?
Do you really believe physical enviroment is more important than emotional support?

Besides, the unhappy marriage rate might not be 50%, but the NOT HAPPY marriage rate probably is.

 
At November 07, 2006 7:13 PM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

One more point. Being in love doesn't last forever. But it's a good start for a marriage.

 
At November 07, 2006 7:20 PM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Totally - I just want to draw a clear line. The fact that structural familes are defined as loving, secure homes doesn't mean that they're existent. I don't see where you take it that I believe ALL marriages are as such?
I do think it's there more than here, given the odds when one gets to choose a mate.

 
At November 07, 2006 8:04 PM, Blogger Shtreimel said...

TC,
I thought that I made myself clear. Let me attempt once more.

The reason that families stay together has nothing to do with the way they got together. There are many factors to that, which is not the topic here. True Catholic couples don’t get divorced either, which tells you nothing about the way they get married.

So, once again, what kind of success do you see in the way we have our marriages arranged.

 
At November 08, 2006 2:40 AM, Blogger Dovid said...

Wow. this is one of the best posts I have seen since I joined the blog world about two years ago. Gorgeous. Truly gorgeous.

 
At November 08, 2006 9:46 AM, Blogger Totally Content said...

Shpritz –
-- Are you suggesting that a single, loving parent would do less for her children than two people that have children because it's the arranged way of life. Do you really believe that? Do you really believe physical enviroment is more important than emotional support? –-
It’s not about what I believe but of how life works. Intentions don’t happy futures make! I find your innocence refreshing, yet oh so frustrating. A single mother, with all her love and support, can’t EVER give her children the emotional stability of a two parent home. There is little doubt that any child will benefit from the love of such a mother! But at the same time, she will be sorely lacking in other areas.
I don’t understand why I repeat myself, when obviously you are unaware of the obvious. But I will say that emotional support, while charming – can’t take the place of the familial structure that’s lacking. And I say that with all my sympathies.

-- Besides, the unhappy marriage rate might not be 50%, but the NOT HAPPY marriage rate probably is.--
Precisely. Worldwide. Across cultural divides.

 
At November 08, 2006 9:47 AM, Blogger Totally Content said...

Shtreimel – and here I thought that I made myself clear. Let me attempt once more…

--The reason that families stay together has nothing to do with the way they got together.—
Actually, the reason families stay together has as much to do with our lifestyle and social expectations, as the reason why we meet up the way we do. Having our mates chosen, is as much a part of our life – as mating forever.
Barring extenuating circumstances, for better or for worse, we’re paired up - for life.

--True Catholic couples don’t get divorced either, which tells you nothing about the way they get married.—
Actually, Catholics don’t divorce because their religion don’t sanction it. Yet oddly enough, in spite of having fallen in love before they got married, and even though they sorta have to stay married – they have the highest rate of infidelity! Or is it because of their rules? So obviously it’s not the falling in love, nor the staying married that saves marriages. But rather, the belief and respect for the institution of marriage.

--So, once again, what kind of success do you see in the way we have our marriages arranged.- -
Once again, I see smart people who make the most of the life they were given. And families – large families – who grow up emotionally stable with the support of both parents.

 
At November 08, 2006 6:19 PM, Blogger JK from KJ said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At November 08, 2006 6:23 PM, Blogger JK from KJ said...

"they [the Catholics] have the highest rate of infidelity!"

Compared with whom? And where do you take your statistics from?

BTW, I'm glad to you see you back.

 
At November 08, 2006 10:03 PM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Rechosen,
Ah, well, if you find innocence so refreshing, you can’t be far from innocence yourself.

Since you suggest that key to a structural family is not a BELIEF, rather a FACT, it would be very helpful if you could point out where you take the fact from.

And while you're at it, help me out with the catholic infidelity fact too.

Shpitz

 
At November 08, 2006 10:07 PM, Blogger Shtreimel said...

TC,
At the rate we are going I seem destined to repeat myself a few more
times till you will get my point.

You said it yourself "the reason families stay together has as much to do with our lifestyle and social expectations, as the reason why we meet up the way we do". Both our divorce rate (hence the two parental families) and the arranged marriages are the result of our lifestyle. But, and please get it this time, the intact families have all to do with the stigmatization of divorce etc. And NOTHING with the way the family got together.

Let's try it this way:

We have the ultimate factor, the reason of reasoning, that we shall
call our "lifestyle". As a result we have many things, of which I'll
list but a tiny fraction.

A. Our divorce rate is minimal. As a result we can count among many:

1. Intact families.
2. No bitter divorces.
3. "Well adjusted" kids.

B. We keep shabbos. As a result we can count among many:

1. Less gas money spent on the car
2. Family meals spent with the kids
3. Cholent bellies.

C. We pre-arrange our marriages.

While the results of "C" are many, can you please point out the
"successes" of having your marriage arranged. Not the success of the minimal divorce rate, of not truging with the eruv, or of washing negel va'aser.

But hey, you already retreated when you said "ultimately, there is no sure way of knowing which form of matchmaking is more successful"

Let's then call it a slip and go on to the next issue.

Concur?

 
At November 08, 2006 10:34 PM, Blogger Shtreimel said...

“Beliefs as a rule are permitted to be illogical”

Permitted or not, illogical they sure are. I’m glad to have you on the same page here.

Seriously though, you seem to have been strongly influenced by the Christian theology which put a greater emphasis on illogical faith. Our Jewish dogma, most of the rabbis that is, clearly believed that their religion is not only that it is logically based, but also that it is the only logical religion around. Even those who argue for Emunah Peshuta, still believed that the answers are there, but that one should rather not look for them.

Also, let me join JK how you would compare Christianity to Chassidianity. I would not be surprised if the results are shocking to some. Common knowledge around here claims that we are the biggest patronizes of the underground sin market, however it be a myth on par with the hole in the sheet thing. Oh well.

 
At November 09, 2006 5:43 PM, Blogger chuck said...

DAMN HOLLYWOOD
Its given us, the best of us, foolish notions of "love"
What is love?
Love is candlelit dinners?
Staring deeply into your partners eyes?
Running barefoot together on the beach?
Wild sex?

Bullshit, oh sure those are fine things, but thats not love.

My sister's house defines love by the ability to hold a shissel under your spouses mouth when s/he's throwing up- and NOT wincing when it splatters on your hand.

Get it?

Love is the ability to give what you'd like for yourself, without holding back, without resentment.

If you can selfless give the best corner piece of just perfectly crisp kugal to your spouse AND be happy that they got it.

All the rest....well, its fun sure but its not love, its selfishness. I want to have a nice romantic dinner, I want to have a good time. emphasis on the I.

Selfish.

Love IS giving.

"V'ahavta l'racha kumoycha"
Love your friend like yourself.

Love is giving what you'd want for yourself!

And hollywood still has no clue!

 
At November 09, 2006 11:16 PM, Blogger cafe_28 said...

Chuck, while I am a bit disgusted by your sister's definition of love, I can see the point.

But you can't deny that the candlelit dinners, the staring deeply and running barefoot and wild sex definitely help. Every marriage, even if you love your spouse deeply, will always need those few minutes of romance, whether you believe in romance or not.

Shpitzle, I can't believe how immature you sound here. Please don't tell me that you never wanted to be 'swept off your feet'. I don't see why it has to be a "juvenile" thing. What's wrong with a bit of passion?? It never hurts.

And yes, I sometimes wonder if I would've fallen for my husband had the marriage not be arranged. As wonderful as he is, I probably would've gone for something else, being as I was pretty immature myself when I was 20. So in my case, Thank G-d for arranged marriages.

 
At November 09, 2006 11:43 PM, Blogger Shtreimel said...

Cafe,
How about being mature AND falling for the right guy, who would you thank then?

 
At November 10, 2006 12:04 AM, Blogger cafe_28 said...

Shtreimel,
My lucky stars.

 
At November 10, 2006 12:29 AM, Blogger Shtreimel said...

We have forsaken those things as deities a long time ago. :)

 
At November 10, 2006 12:51 AM, Blogger cafe_28 said...

Yeah, that's why we need shadchanim.

 
At November 10, 2006 8:35 AM, Blogger JewishBiFemme said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At November 10, 2006 8:37 AM, Blogger JewishBiFemme said...

Welcome Back!

Why cant all those dreams, passion, romance happen within an arranged marriage? I do believe we are soul mates no matter how we frum people go about love..

Love grows especially frum arranged marriages. We don't know each other at the beginning but as we grow together threw sickness, health, rich, poor, childbirth and all the things life challanges us with it brings us closer so naturally romance-true love can become mind boggling....

-- let me ask you what your definition of “success of this lifestyle” is -- emotionally stable children?

Are you kidding me? How about emotionally stable arranged marriages who prove that a Cinderella, snow white romance does exist within our lifestyle....

I think most are just angry from the beginning that their parents chose their soul mate. That is why they have a hard time letting go and love each other like man and woman should...

This is the best post in a long long time...

TC, what comes first to you children or marraige (or both)?

Are you one of those who believe life is all about children but marraige/ romance is not important? I am not saying it has to be top priority.. Come on children gives us nachas & a purpose to live not love! the kind of love every woman deserves.....

 
At November 10, 2006 1:14 PM, Blogger cafe_28 said...

TC, what comes first to you children or marraige (or both)?

JBF, I think a marriage comes first. You gotta work the hardest on your marriage, not neglect it because you are busy with the kids.

 
At November 10, 2006 1:19 PM, Blogger JewishBiFemme said...

This discussion came up at a table full of my frum friends EVERYONE answered children. I was the only one who said marraige.

 
At November 10, 2006 1:50 PM, Blogger cafe_28 said...

I guess they have what my husband calls a "company". They're just running a company of kids and house, and not actually focusing on the marriage. Not trying to put any passion into it, just making sure that the house runs and is profitable.

 
At November 12, 2006 10:48 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

I can't imagine an arranged marriage. When I first met my husband there was instant connection. I was 15 years old, hitching a ride to an amusement park. He picked us up. We became best friends at first. I had a b/f, he had a g/f but he and I shared a connection..a big one..a FRIEND one..i mean best friends. We saw eachother everyday. Then I started to like him as a b/f but he did not me. That was hard...but exciting as well!! Then it was the other way around. In the end we started dating and we are married now for....28 years. I love him deeply and dearly and to this day we are best friends and lovers. I do not condemn arranged marriages..because my attitude is.."Whatever floats your boat", whatever works for your life..But I must say that the courtship, the dating, the whole experience of having boyfriends was something I would never have wanted to miss.

 
At November 19, 2006 9:30 PM, Blogger Chaim Chusid said...

Whoa, GREAT writing! I really like!

There might be those that argue that you're just plain lucky.

Simple as that.

The system worked for you in a truly magical way.

They might also argue that lady luck does not go knocking on everybody’s door, and they will have a point at that, BUT….. Nothing is perfect. Your marriage surely has its ups and downs, does it not? You however chose to see the good, to amplify the good, and to nurture the good that you saw in your partner.

I think it's a bit of luck, yes, but also appreciating what we get.

Our parents arrange our marriages, agreed, but they truly do have good intentions. They try hard to find something that is compatible to us both emotionally and physically.

The system is not perfect,, but I have yet to find one that is!

I remain,
Chaim

 
At December 11, 2006 10:21 PM, Blogger SilverRav said...

Hi RC.... I just want to say that I think your blog is wonderful and I really appreciate what you are doing. I am a Satmar Baal Teshuva and I have to say that the sterotypes that abound about the Satmar community are patently false in many cases. I have been really accepted lovingly and have found myself surprised at the tolerance and acceptance here. Maybe I have also been lucky, but I somehow dont think so. There are jerks in every group and Satmar is no exception. I hope I can meet more people like you in the kehilla in real life. My only complaint is that I find it hard to relate to the non Baal Teshuva Satmars on a deep level i.e a close friendship. Thats understandable, but I think if i found more people with your level of articulation and intelligence it would be a lot easier.

 
At December 13, 2006 4:22 PM, Blogger cafe_28 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At January 15, 2007 10:44 PM, Blogger Skeleton said...

Shpitz and Shtreimel, marvelous posts.

TC, you are naive. A therapist who works in the "heimishe" community told me that she has spoken to many, many men who say "Why can't I have a wife I can have a relationship with, instead of a housekeeper who consents to sleep with me?" Another askan told me that maybe 10-15% of "heimishe" marriages are ones where the husband and wife are really suitably matched in temperament, and are very content. Another 60% or so have "ok" marriages, while the rest have semi-serious or serious sholom bayis problems. That's A LOT of people. Even in the 60% of "ok" marriages, does it really have to be that way? Even though mistakes are made as people marry out of passion, does not every person deserve what is at least ascertained to be a possibly perfect match?

Our expectations are so low because of the propaganda we are constantly sold: that romance, passion, etc. are nothing, that real love comes from investing in the relationship, blah blah blah. All true, yes. But where there is no solid foundation it will be impossible to build a skyscraper on top.

 
At January 15, 2007 10:47 PM, Blogger Skeleton said...

Shpitz and Shtreimel, marvelous posts.

TC, you are naive. A therapist who works in the "heimishe" community told me that she has spoken to many, many men who say "Why can't I have a wife I can have a relationship with, instead of a housekeeper who consents to sleep with me?" Another askan told me that maybe 10-15% of "heimishe" marriages are ones where the husband and wife are really suitably matched in temperament, and are very content. Another 60% or so have "ok" marriages, while the rest have semi-serious or serious sholom bayis problems. That's A LOT of people. Even in the 60% of "ok" marriages, does it really have to be that way? Even though mistakes are made as people marry out of passion, does not every person deserve what is at least ascertained to be a possibly perfect match?

Our expectations are so low because of the propaganda we are constantly sold: that romance, passion, etc. are nothing, that real love comes from investing in the relationship, blah blah blah. All true, yes. But where there is no solid foundation it will be impossible to build a skyscraper on top.

 
At February 05, 2007 12:33 PM, Blogger Lakewood Venter said...

good post, though I fail to understand why you would allow censorship of your thoughts.

 
At March 04, 2007 6:04 AM, Blogger Eugene Gershin said...

Hi! Please grab anti-Olmert's Purim buttons from http://samsonblinded.org/blog/purim_banners.htm
The buttons are free and could be hotlinked. Let's make some fun of Olmert!

 
At May 02, 2007 10:24 AM, Blogger Alex said...

Hi

Please consider writing news pieces or an op-ed for Jewrusalem: Israeli Uncensored News. We strive to present different views and opinions while rejecting political correctness. Ideally, we try to make the news "smart and funny." Thus, your input is very welcome.

Best,
Alex
www.jewrusalem.net/en

 
At November 10, 2007 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is such a wonderful story -- I'd love to speak with you.

shidduch.journalist@gmail.com

 
At February 04, 2009 12:51 PM, Blogger DoubleLife said...

Wow, this is wonderful. I would love to hear how you managed to make this work for you.

 

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